Well it has been one year since I gave in to my disability and gave up the fight to be employed. In a way, it is comforting not to have to fight the fight, make the decision, doubt each day if I can do what I need to do to keep my job.......but it is also hard not to feel like a failure. Thus the struggle of fighting for Social Security Disability Income and that is a very long battle for sure.
My next deadline is 7 months, 3 weeks and 2 days away - that is the absolute earliest, I have been told, that I might have a hearing scheduled to help determine my case. The average is 19 months with a time frame of 8 to 36 months. I am amazed - I completely understand the system is backlogged and it is their responsibility to ensure that no one receives these benefits unless they are truly disabled. But.....for people like me that have the burden of proof - it is very difficult, demeaning and frustrating. I have worked for 32 plus years of my life, paid in my Social Security - double that of most in the last 14 years because I was an independent contractor. Now I need help and it seems so far away like an impossible dream. I do this for my family much more than for myself.
I am trying very hard to keep a positive outlook and "be the difference" but it is a daily struggle. I find myself thinking more about the battle I went through to keep my contract, my livelihood, to help support my family and it makes my angry. I have more dreams - or should I say nightmares of the conversations and disagreements with the board that I worked with under the association that employed me for 14 years and then decided to discard me like the trash we take out daily. I find that the feelings are still raw and I feel the urge to try to again make them understand - but in reality I know that I not possible.
Ok - enough of that! For those in my shoes, take one step at a time - try to find the things and people that you love, embrace what you still have and try - this is not easy - but try to put the past behind you and move on to a happier and better life! It is possible and most days I can do this with some effort - other days are a struggle, but all in all it is very worthwhile for my family and those that I love dearly!
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