Did You love Your Mother......

If you have had one of these chronic illnesses for very long then you have more than likely had one of those tests - you know the one where they ask you all sorts of trick questions to figure out if you are really ill or just plain old mentally ill.  Like one is better than the other.  One of the core questions is always "Did you love your Mother?"  Even if she is still living and breathing you get that tricky one.  For me that has always been a loaded question and one ripe with ambiguity.  Ugh......

Many of us suffered with childhood traumas and other combined emotional problems relating to the physical illness.  I am no different and as one counselor put it....it's sort of the chicken and egg thing.  No one truly knows which comes first.  Well today is Mother's Day and not one of my favorites.  Yes I did and do love my Mother and always will.  Not enough she would say but none the less I do.  It's not something you can choose to turn off no matter how hard you try.

Don't get me wrong I have no ill feelings about my childhood - I know my Mother tried as an ill equipped adult who also dealt with childhood issues.  But as I became an adult myself, she was unable to accept that I was, in fact, a separate being and not her possession.  Any attempt I made to be myself - very different from her - she felt as a threat and became angry.  Over the course of my adult life there have been many more years that she was adrift from me than together.  Many years when she refused to speak to me, warned me away from her and let me know in no uncertain terms how very disappointing I was to her.  For many of those years I begged her forgiveness and did my best to tow the line. 

As I have grown older, I have realized that I am unable to be what she would wish for me to be and no matter how I turn myself inside out, it will never happen.  For a short time in recent years, I thought she had changed and accepted me for who I am.  Sadly it was a pretense and she quickly fell back into her unloving ways and let me know once again how short I fall.

Please don't misunderstand, I in no way believe that I am not to blame for my part in this.  I am far from a perfect daughter and never could be.  But for me, unconditional love has to be the order of the day with my boys----it's the very least we can do for our children.  We bring them into this world and say go---how can we do anything less. 

So on this Mother's Day....I say Happy Mother's Day from afar as my Mother has once again professed that she has no daughter and I comply. I applaud her for all of the things she did right and the fact that she tried.   I see pictures of moms and daughters all across my Facebook feed and I am saddened - I have no such images.  I am tired, older now and don't have the bounce back I once had.  I concentrate on my own family and giving them all of the unconditional love I can muster because that is the gift I would have wished for myself.  I love you all more than you will ever know or imagine --- to the moon and back and then some.  For even though I was not hugged or told I was loved as a child, I have unbounded amounts of love to give....