I realize that most of us have issues relating to our illness that are hard if not impossible to explain. For me the written word, notes, letters, emails......anything similar have always come easier to me than conversation. But, for the most part, I will talk your head off in person. The phone - not so much. It hasn't always been this bad and has increased with age. I really don't think of it as an out right fear but with closer inspection, I am forced to admit that is the root of this problem.
For years I worked in an office and was chained to a phone and even worked an eight line switchboard - loved it all. I talked for hours to friends and family with abandon. But.....there was a hesitation at times when the phone rang - I didn't want to answer - I wanted to run. Back in the day you answered it without question because we didn't know who was calling and it could be an emergency - right??? One of the worst disagreements with my husband's family stemmed from this issue and my mother-in-law thinkng it was about her - my own mother just didn't get it. Fast forward to the age of caller ID and things heated up. Was I afraid of particular callers or just talking....WTH???
As I travel back through my memory and dig deeper, I find that this issue increased and became a problem at about the time I got sick. The more confusion, fatigue, etc. that I suffered, the more it was exacerbated ten fold. When I worked as in independent contractor and had my own business (only because I couldn't work full time in an office) it truly became a problem. It is all but impossible to avoid the phone when you work with others and need to communicate. A dream come true for me was the revolution of email. I would relish the glow of my old Wang computer when I turned it on each morning and easily communicated information and enjoyed relationships with those I worked with. It was a miracle.
But......friends just don't get it!! I can force myself to have brief conversations with my children - they are my heart and unless I am wiped out I will always talk to them and Hubby as well. I do give him grief from time to time when he tries to prolong the conversation - it's just too hard and will usually end in a disagreement. I will normally put off telling anyone the real reason I didn't pick up the phone until I absolutely have to. I have a dear friend that I have known for years and she gets it and has even sent me links to articles online about the problem. But most of the time friends and family walk away - they say it's weird, not real, a cop out. Even just typing this my heart races and I feel defeated. No I can't really explain it and no I don't want to push myself over the hurdle....I have tried all of that and just because I may do it today, I won't be able to tomorrow. For a time when I was on meds like Ritalin, I could push through and that tells me it is all about my brain. I can't take stimulants any longer due to my A-fib issues. So that's not an option.
So here I am belaboring this issue one again, digging, working to understand. I have had to give up much for this chronic illness and this is just one more thing but I release it willingly because the energy it takes to try to pretend it is not a problem is just not worth it. I accept it and find work arounds. Hell - I will even make doctor's appointments online, order pizza from a web site, make a reservation with a link. It's crazy - and I know this!!! I have improved over time - I will make short quick phone calls to make an appointment if absolutely necessary. If it is quick and to the point I can do it if I am in the right frame of mind. But having said that, I cannot force myself when my brain says no - I have tried and I just can't do it. No amount of cajoling, shaming, forcing will work. These tactics just reinforce the problem and make it worse in the long run.
In defining the problem it appears that there are my factors - lack of facial cues, past bad experiences with friends and family, fatigue to the point of issues with word finding, and more. I do believe that overwhelming depression factors in for many of us and definitely is a clue here. When I am especially depressed I hide and the last, very last thing I want to do is have a phone conversation - it is just too hard.
Here are some links to articles that somewhat explain this phobia - but it is different for each us of and we must find out own answers and make our own solutions. For me I have decided to work around with texts and emails and short calls when necessary. I have a very fancy new cell phone - why you ask??? Because it allows me to text and email and keep up with friends and family without actually have to talk. Great lengths I go to but these efforts help me make it work.
http://www.changethatsrightnow.com/phone-phobia/medication-and-drugs/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_phobia
http://ezinearticles.com/?Phone-Phobia---Fear-of-Talking-on-the-Phone&id=5892619
http://socialanxietydisorder.about.com/od/copingwithsad/a/phonephobia.htm
These are just a few - there is a ton of information out there about social anxieties and the most important thing I want to express is that this is real!!!
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