Because....There is No Choice....

I found this post this afternoon as I was trying to update this old blog. I felt it was important to share because so many are dealing with these same issues.  I hope it will be helpful to anyone in the same place in life!
Early 2016
It's been almost a year since I have posted here.  I have felt just out of words.  Days are good and bad and I have had some extraordinary ones in the past year along with the normal (whatever that is) and insane ones as well.  Same for most I am sure.  For me, I have entered into a new benchmark in my life.  I am at that place where I have grown children that I still worry over and now a mother who has been diagnosed with Dementia and my brother and I must be her advocate as well as her caregivers.  For the most part this is a thankless job as well as stressful and gut wrenching...at least in our case.  With my own health issues and baggage, this is extremely complicated.  But....we continue to do what we can because there is no choice.  We are the only people in her life - she has no other relationships that have survived...very sad.

If you read this blog you may know that my relationship with my mother is anything but simple and has been that way my entire life - the same with she and my brother.  This is also true of every other human she has ever known.  Complicated comes to mind but it is so much more and I can't bring forward a word that actually defines it. For the most part, I feel that I spent my life at a party I wasn't invited to.  I'm here in this world but not because anybody wanted it that way...I'm just one of those things that happened.  I truly am not trying to whine and feel sorry for myself here...just struggling to understand my reality.  My brother feels similarly and our mother lets us know that she changed our diapers, etc and what a burden we both were.  Well it's not like we asked to be here or for anyone to take care of us.....no child does.

So here we are charged with the task of seeing our mother through this journey and unfortunately we don't have the tools in our backpacks that most adult children have when traveling this route.  The majority of individuals in this scenario have the love and care provided them as children and they draw on that.  It makes the tough times bearable.  We look at this women who gave us life, albeit unwillingly, and try to squeeze some good feelings out and believe.....believe that we can do this.  As I have said before, I do love my mother and long for a good relationship with her.  Sadly she is rarely in a place where she can be motherly now and struggles just to be civil.  Many times she does not know us......says we look familiar but is angry with us nonetheless.  So strange how the mind works - not remembering us but remembering the anger and negative feelings.  For me it is evident that she looks at me and I am a mirror of everything that she dislikes about herself - we look just a like.  Also she is quick to tell me that I am just like my father whom she despised.  He was an alcoholic (I'm not by the way) and probably the only person on earth who would have stayed by her side willingly for eternity but he passed on over 40 years ago.  She equates my brother and I with the most unhappy memories and bad decisions she made in life.

Present Day ~ April 18, 2018
My mother left us last year on December 5th, silently in her sleep while a resident at a long term care facility.  After many struggles and frustration, we were able to get her admitted there and we feel they cared for her in the best way possible.  I will talk more about this in coming blogs but I will say emphatically that they more than likely saved both mine and my brother's sanity.  I will always be indebted to them.

As life moves forward, as it does even if we aren't ready, I am always readjusting and dealing with the mental complications that my illness presents to me.  I am so very thankful for supportive friends and family.  My wish is that this blog continue to be a lifeline for those who suffer in the same way.  There is much more to tell about all of our stories.

Riley Adjacent........Really?????

My Hubby and I were talking the other day about the fact that I am no longer able to work and how it does make my life easier.  I joked and told him that I am not exactly living the "Life of Riley" over here.  He bravely made the statement that is was close to it - you know sort of Riley adjacent.....  What????  I guess to most, myself former self included, it does seem that I have it pretty good.  Now I am surely not whining and complaining because I know it could be so very much worse.  But having said that, I would trade my chronic health issues in a heartbeat, to be healthy and independent, able to come and go and have freedoms that I long ago gave up.  I used to dream of staying at home and cooking and doing homey types of stuff.  It is very different when you have no choice.  It truly changes the dynamic.

 For me at least, having a chronic illness is like playing the wheel of fortune - but instead of dollar amounts the wheel has symptoms, roadblocks, etc. and each day you spin the wheel and see what your issues will be for that day.  Similar to the spoonie theory (Google this if you are unaware) you have limited resources to handle your issues but no choice in what you will deal with on a daily basis.  Some days are uneventful and not so tough, others are full of bumps and fumbles but you get through it and you fight each and every day.  You don't fight because you want to or enjoy the fight - you do it to live the most that you can out of the path you are on.

Yes I do get to stay at home - no I don't get to do all of those homey things I dreamed of most days because I am either too tired, too confused, too sick or in too much pain.  Every now and then I do get lucky.  I don't have a car any longer and have no control over when or if I leave my house and I struggle with my lack of control in my life each and every day.  It is easier now than it used to be and I am so very fortunate that I live in a time where social media and things like having a Kindle and Pinterest can keep me occupied for hours on end.  I can escape to my little Nirvana in my mind and be running, skipping, dancing - all things I can't do - for hours on end.  I am so very blessed and fortunate to have a few good friends who understand and a Hubby who tries.  I am so blessed that I have a roof over my head and a little corner to call my own.  Many in my situation are not as fortunate. 

Don't misunderstand - this post is in no way a complaint - just my rebuttal to all of those critics whom I allow to make me feel less than I am or that I can be, because I have been forced to make the difficult decision to chose a different path - not the easier one but maybe the one less traveled.  If you are fortunate enough to be healthy and active then please don't waste your time judging others who are not.  Life changes in a heartbeat and not one of us knows when our life may no longer be the same.

Smell What?......

I know are have all heard of aroma therapy and the idea that smells can make us feel better, help us sleep, etc.  I believe in some of that but mostly I just use good smells to get rid of the bad ones.  Well, Hubby and I picked up one of those decanters with the sticks and the oil and it was pumpkin scented.  I just love fall and normally I will have fall scented candles around and stuff like that.

I don't know if I am just getting older or what but since I opened that smelly thing and the warm pumpkin scent has permeated the rooms in our house, I have felt a burst of Fall Feelings!  I am now a firm believer in this scent thing.  I have actually visualized that it will be cooler when I step outside (that's not happening - I live in SC) and I imagine pies baking, and I feel a little more festive.  It has brought about memories and feelings of Falls past and transported me from the mundane and everyday into a world of holidays, turkey, falling leaves and so much more.

Why do I mention this you say - I am thinking that those of us who suffer from chronic illness and pain could benefit from more of this type of therapy.  I know we have to proceed with caution because many of us are also very sensitive to smells, etc. and I am included in the group.  But.....there are many natural scents that we can use such as vanilla that will do the trick like my pumpkin.  Warm vanilla sugar is another favorite of mine.

Now.....the only drawback is that many of these make me hungry!!!  Ugh!!!  Oh well - good with the bad - right?