Press the Rest Button.....

Wow - how many times have I wished I had one of these.  I get so used to being able to have a do over, back up, pause, redo in so many aspects of life today.  But.....in real life how can we reset???  I was hoping that taking an actual vacation this year - first one in years - would help me to find that allusive rest button.  Helped it did, but it was not a magical spell that gave me the brain power to do what I need and want to do.  So I have been doing my best to find tools and routines that will aid in this endeavor.  I thought I would share some of that for those of us who have problems with time, memory and so many more issues that hang out with these chronic illnesses.  It's bad enough to not feel well but we all want to regain some control of our days and as a result, our lives.

This past August I was able to participate in a virtual camp - Camp Reset - presented by Cori Speiker

whom I adore and I love all that she does in the reset community.  If you aren't aware Cori's group is all about resetting our lives, taking care of ourselves, and living a more centered and intentional life.  These things are particular soft spots and weaknesses for me.  For many years I've felt that I just existed and made it through the day.  I wasn't unhappy, I just had no purpose or ideals.   Although I still fluctuate every day, I do feel that I am moving in the right direction and taking control of my day to day.  When I lie my head on my pillow at night now, most days I feel that I have accomplished something and I am excited and looking forward to the next day.  I truly believe we all need that in our lives to feel complete.  Check Cori out and I promise you that if you are open to change you will improve your life in so many ways.

Another thing that I have talked about so many times is pacing!  I know that just sounds like so much hooey and I was not sure what others meant in the past when I heard this idea discussed.  Simply put you pace your way through your day.  Using your energy just like any fuel, you move and accomplish things for a bit of time and rest then repeat throughout the day.  While I'm resting I will look through my phone, send messages, read...just whatever I feel like.  Other times I may nap a bit to refresh myself.  No matter what I do while resting it has to refuel my brain and body.  Then I am ready to take on more tasks.  Using this method I am able to actually accomplish things I haven't been able to do in years.  It's always been my go to to push myself to full exhaustion and then I'm down and out for hours and maybe even days.  If you Google Pacing through illness, there are lots of articles out there about this.

One of the most important things I have done to aid in pacing is to create a space for myself to have

downtime while still functioning.  In our little office I have a small love seat that reclines and a work table that serves as my desk.  I can sit in this seat and have my laptop plugged in, my phone charging, and my tablet streaming anything I would like to watch from YouTube videos to television.  The fact that it reclines makes it so much more restful for me.  This little room is just off my kitchen which allows me to get tasks done a little at a time during the day.  In the past I have tried to do this in a bedroom or our living room and it just never worked - I felt too isolated in the bedroom and too much in the way in the main living areas.  I also believe that most of us need to be able to have a quiet restful place to recharge throughout the day.  Our brains are just not wired to handle the static of life in large amounts.  It can be a corner, a cozy chair....whatever makes you feel comfortable.

Now that I have changed the way that I do things I am finding that my rebound from overdoing is so much better.  What used to put me down for days or even a week will now usually last less than a day. This is a major accomplishment for me.  I really believe that finding a balance between doing and not overdoing is one of the most important things we can do to care for ourselves.    I've heard much criticism of self care as being selfish.  I don't see it that way at all.  Self care is what allows us to recharge so that we are able to do for others and be present in our lives.  It's as necessary as food and water.  We can't be there for anyone else if we are running on empty.

I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia back in 1991 well before it was a popular diagnosis.  I have been working to have an Attitude of Gratitude.  This is another most important component of dealing with chronic illness.  I have found that anger, frustration, and feeling sorry for myself are all detrimental to both my mental as well as physical health.  Believe me, I still have those moments but I feel that I'm in better control of them and they hang around for shorter periods of time.  I've been
through many phases and tried all sorts of things to improve.  Over the years I have collected several other health conditions that complicate my diagnosis.  I know that I am so very fortunate to be able to still function and I do my best to live my life with an attitude of gratitude....some days its really hard but in my heart I know and realize that I am so very blessed.

I hope that some of these tips are helpful to all who suffer from any type of chronic illness.  It is also my hope that we all bring more understanding to both mental and physical illnesses because without love, kindness and understanding we can not continue to heal and share our world with each other.

Because....There is No Choice....

I found this post this afternoon as I was trying to update this old blog. I felt it was important to share because so many are dealing with these same issues.  I hope it will be helpful to anyone in the same place in life!
Early 2016
It's been almost a year since I have posted here.  I have felt just out of words.  Days are good and bad and I have had some extraordinary ones in the past year along with the normal (whatever that is) and insane ones as well.  Same for most I am sure.  For me, I have entered into a new benchmark in my life.  I am at that place where I have grown children that I still worry over and now a mother who has been diagnosed with Dementia and my brother and I must be her advocate as well as her caregivers.  For the most part this is a thankless job as well as stressful and gut wrenching...at least in our case.  With my own health issues and baggage, this is extremely complicated.  But....we continue to do what we can because there is no choice.  We are the only people in her life - she has no other relationships that have survived...very sad.

If you read this blog you may know that my relationship with my mother is anything but simple and has been that way my entire life - the same with she and my brother.  This is also true of every other human she has ever known.  Complicated comes to mind but it is so much more and I can't bring forward a word that actually defines it. For the most part, I feel that I spent my life at a party I wasn't invited to.  I'm here in this world but not because anybody wanted it that way...I'm just one of those things that happened.  I truly am not trying to whine and feel sorry for myself here...just struggling to understand my reality.  My brother feels similarly and our mother lets us know that she changed our diapers, etc and what a burden we both were.  Well it's not like we asked to be here or for anyone to take care of us.....no child does.

So here we are charged with the task of seeing our mother through this journey and unfortunately we don't have the tools in our backpacks that most adult children have when traveling this route.  The majority of individuals in this scenario have the love and care provided them as children and they draw on that.  It makes the tough times bearable.  We look at this women who gave us life, albeit unwillingly, and try to squeeze some good feelings out and believe.....believe that we can do this.  As I have said before, I do love my mother and long for a good relationship with her.  Sadly she is rarely in a place where she can be motherly now and struggles just to be civil.  Many times she does not know us......says we look familiar but is angry with us nonetheless.  So strange how the mind works - not remembering us but remembering the anger and negative feelings.  For me it is evident that she looks at me and I am a mirror of everything that she dislikes about herself - we look just a like.  Also she is quick to tell me that I am just like my father whom she despised.  He was an alcoholic (I'm not by the way) and probably the only person on earth who would have stayed by her side willingly for eternity but he passed on over 40 years ago.  She equates my brother and I with the most unhappy memories and bad decisions she made in life.

Present Day ~ April 18, 2018
My mother left us last year on December 5th, silently in her sleep while a resident at a long term care facility.  After many struggles and frustration, we were able to get her admitted there and we feel they cared for her in the best way possible.  I will talk more about this in coming blogs but I will say emphatically that they more than likely saved both mine and my brother's sanity.  I will always be indebted to them.

As life moves forward, as it does even if we aren't ready, I am always readjusting and dealing with the mental complications that my illness presents to me.  I am so very thankful for supportive friends and family.  My wish is that this blog continue to be a lifeline for those who suffer in the same way.  There is much more to tell about all of our stories.