Fears, Phobias, Booga Bears and More...

Hello - My name is Linnie and I have a phobia of talking on the phone.  Yep - there it is and I am not talking a little discomfort.....it's bad and has cost me much in my life and I am writing this article today because it now threatens another new friendship.

I realize that most of us have issues relating to our illness that are hard if not impossible to explain.  For me the written word, notes, letters, emails......anything similar have always come easier to me than conversation.  But, for the most part, I will talk your head off in person.  The phone - not so much.  It hasn't always been this bad and has increased with age.  I really don't think of it as an out right fear but with closer inspection, I am forced to admit that is the root of this problem.

For years I worked in an office and was chained to a phone and even worked an eight line switchboard - loved it all.  I talked for hours to friends and family with abandon.  But.....there was a hesitation at times when the phone rang - I didn't want to answer - I wanted to run.  Back in the day you answered it without question because we didn't know who was calling and it could be an emergency - right??? One of the worst disagreements with my husband's family stemmed from this issue and my mother-in-law thinkng it was about her - my own mother just didn't get it.  Fast forward to the age of caller ID and things heated up.  Was I afraid of particular callers or just talking....WTH???

As I travel back through my memory and dig deeper, I find that this issue increased and became a problem at about the time I got sick.  The more confusion, fatigue, etc. that I suffered, the more it was exacerbated ten fold.  When I worked as in independent contractor and had my own business (only because I couldn't work full time in an office) it truly became a problem.  It is all but impossible to avoid the phone when you work with others and need to communicate.  A dream come true for me was the revolution of email.  I would relish the glow of my old Wang computer when I turned it on each morning and easily communicated information and enjoyed relationships with those I worked with.  It was a miracle.

But......friends just don't get it!!  I can force myself to have brief conversations with my children - they are my heart and unless I am wiped out I will always talk to them and Hubby as well.  I do give him grief from time to time when he tries to prolong the conversation - it's just too hard and will usually end in a disagreement.  I will normally put off telling anyone the real reason I didn't pick up the phone until I absolutely have to.  I have a dear friend that I have known for years and she gets it and has even sent me links to articles online about the problem.  But most of the time friends and family walk away - they say it's weird, not real, a cop out.  Even just typing this my heart races and I feel defeated.  No I can't really explain it and no I don't want to push myself over the hurdle....I have tried all of that and just because I may do it today, I won't be able to tomorrow.  For a time when I was on meds like Ritalin, I could push through and that tells me it is all about my brain.  I can't take stimulants any longer due to my A-fib issues.  So that's not an option.

So here I am belaboring this issue one again, digging, working to understand.  I have had to give up much for this chronic illness and this is just one more thing but I release it willingly because the energy it takes to try to pretend it is not a problem is just not worth it.  I accept it and find work arounds.  Hell - I will even make doctor's appointments online, order pizza from a web site, make a reservation with a link.  It's crazy - and I know this!!! I have improved over time - I will make short quick phone calls to make an appointment if absolutely necessary.  If it is quick and to the point I can do it if I am in the right frame of mind.  But having said that, I cannot force myself when my brain says no - I have tried and I just can't do it.  No amount of cajoling, shaming, forcing will work.  These tactics just reinforce the problem and make it worse in the long run.

In defining the problem it appears that there are my factors - lack of facial cues, past bad experiences with friends and family, fatigue to the point of issues with word finding, and more.  I do believe that overwhelming depression factors in for many of us and definitely is a clue here.  When I am especially depressed I hide and the last, very last thing I want to do is have a phone conversation - it is just too hard.

Here are some links to articles that somewhat explain this phobia - but it is different for each us of and we must find out own answers and make our own solutions.  For me I have decided to work around with texts and emails and short calls when necessary.  I have a very fancy new cell phone - why you ask???  Because it allows me to text and email and keep up with friends and family without actually have to talk.  Great lengths I go to but these efforts help me make it work.

http://www.changethatsrightnow.com/phone-phobia/medication-and-drugs/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telephone_phobia
http://ezinearticles.com/?Phone-Phobia---Fear-of-Talking-on-the-Phone&id=5892619
http://socialanxietydisorder.about.com/od/copingwithsad/a/phonephobia.htm
These are just a few - there is a ton of information out there about social anxieties and the most important thing I want to express is that this is real!!!

What Would Your Mother Say...........

Well I know I am showing my age now, but I came so close to shouting at two college students earlier this week and asking them about the origin of their up bringing! I normally don't speak out when I see something I consider rude behavior, but this time, it was all I could do not to explode!

I had a doctor's appointment and after that went to visit my Mother at her apartment building downtown which is in the heart of our local state university - University of South Carolina or USC as we call it. On this particular day there were no parking spots at her building and I was forced to find one near a meter on a nearby street. When I tell you this street is a very steep hill, I am in no way exaggerating. I saw young people bracing themselves to walk down the hill it was so steep. I remember this particular street from my childhood - I was afraid when my parents drove up it because I believed that our car would fall backwards. If you have read my blog previously, then you are aware of how strenuous a trip like this is for me.

Anyway - I found a spot across from her building on this very steep street and pulled into it and carefully made sure that my emergency brake was up and the car was in park before leaving it. I did not have much gas and it did enter my mind that facing downhill like that might cause a problem when starting my 11 year old van but I was too exhausted to do anything else at this point. I had already driven around the block twice and could not find anything better and I knew that my Mother would be starting to get worried.

After a very nice meal with her and visit, I returned to my car exhausted and ready for a nap about 2 hours later. It was still there and had not decided to take wings and fly down this precarious hill and into oncoming traffic. Well - just as I had briefly considered, the car would not start. It has one of those gas tanks with a float and had I parked facing up the hill there would have not been a problem. But.....since I was facing downward, it would not start - even after many tries. I put the car in gear and tried to let it roll down the hill but I quickly realized that with the weight of the vehicle behind it and no power breaks or steering, I would more than likely crash. I literally stood up on the break with both feet and all my weight and was able to stop the car before it hit the little car parked in the space up one from me. In between the two spaces there was a driveway into what appeared to be student housing and of course my van was stuck right in that spot - anyone trying to get in or out of that driveway would have to pull over the curb to get in or out. Not impossible mind you, but a little detour none the less.

Well after all this fun, I was a little unnerved and exhausted. I got out of the car, where there was a cool breeze outside, and called my husband on my cell phone. I knew that I would more than likely get a lecture on why I should not have driven downtown on my own and etc. etc., but there was no other choice. As I expected he was not happy that I parked there but said he was on his way. As I was talking to him I slowly maneuvered my way back down to the bottom of the hill and I planned to wait for him there seated on a brick wall. I knew that I was too tired to make the walk back to my Mother's apartment and I didn't want to worry her.

Just as soon as I ended the call, I turned to see a young man at the top of the hill throwing his arms up in the air and mouthing something. I could not hear him from that distance but it appeared that he was repeating "What the ____?!$?%&" over and over again and motioning to my car. How did he know it was my vehicle - I looked around and I was the only one on the street walking and I was the only older lady with a big grandma purse so I guess he assumed the old van fit. I trudged back up the hill toward him trying to get him to hear me saying "the car is stalled and someone is coming to move it". Nothing - no response - no "Ok - I understand", nothing!! He jumped in his vehicle which was parked in the lot blocked by my van and hurriedly backed over the sidewalk and sped away without another look or so much as a "How do you do".

I was just stunned - I didn't expect him to offer to help or actually DO anything but he could have at least acknowledged that I spoke to him, especially after he completely over reacted to the situation. Oh well - I guessed that he was in a hurry to get somewhere - the life of a busy young college student.

Well I took a seat on a brick wall beside my van and waited, and waited, and then waited some more. My husband was a good 20 minutes away and would have to stop and get some gas to add to the van to get it to start so I knew it would be about a 30 minute wait. At least it was cooler than days past and pleasant outside.

When it was almost time for him to get there, another car rolled up beside mine and the driver rolled his window down and pointed to my car - it was another young man - obviously a student. I immediately jumped to my feet and told him that it was stalled and someone was coming to move it. Again, he rudely looked away obviously irritated and quickly pulled behind me and into the lot - no big deal. He got out and walked away without a word.

I was stunned - what had happened to decency and kindness??? I am mother to 4 young men and I am not bragging in any way when I say that I cannot imagine that any one of them would react in this way. They have stopped in traffic to remove errant lost turtles to the side of the road, gone out of their way to help stranded drivers and put their own safety in jeopardy to help others. I don't take any responsibility or credit for their being this way - we all just assume that it is the way to be. I didn't want these young people to do anything or take any time out of their busy schedules - just don't go out of your way to make me feel awful because you had to take maybe 30 seconds to go around my car. I just wanted to follow that young man to his door and fram on it and ask "What would your Mother say?????"

Whether there is a pretty young girl, an older woman, a child, a old man or whatever else, we are all human and we are all in this together. Showing a little kindness to each other does not cost us anything and we reap the benefits down in our soul and in our hearts. We all need to think before we react and this has surely made me more aware of this.

Long story short, my husband was able to start the car after a perilous ride down the hill with no breaks or steering and we finally got back home over an hour later. It has taken me days - more than a week to recover from this trip - but what is more important is that I realize that I must take my limitations into account when I do anything because unfortunately we cannot always count on the kindness of strangers........but I will be more vigilant about being a kind stranger!