Let's Talk......

I am a big talker - to myself that is.  I know most people do it and if you're like me and spend time alone it gets to be quite the ongoing dialog.  But....how does that talk go??  Most every body is familiar with this little graphic from The Help and I love it so.  It reminds us how very important our inner dialog is.  The older I get, the more I realize that it is necessary to replace all of the negative garbage that goes around in my head with positive reaffirming thoughts. 

Would you say that to a friend?  Would you attack someone you love in the same way you would yourself??  One of the biggest lessons I have learned on this chronic illness journey is to at least try and be kind to yourself.   Daily affirmations are a good way to do this and being patient when you make mistakes or can't do things that you used to do.  I have found out that if I get angry and frustrated with myself then the situation only gets worse.  Laughter is the best medicine in this case and so much of the time it breaks the tension and makes dealing with this monster a little easier.

As part of my illness, I have something called Duputren's Contracture and this has caused my hands to begin to turn inward and it makes it difficult to grasp and pick things up.  The orthopedist  tells me this will more than likely happen to my feet as well.  This is not life threatening and is just another agitation among many.  Some days I get so angry and frustrated about breaking things and dropping whatever is in my hands.  But....I can still type and I crochet, mostly because I love it, and because it is good therapy for my hands.  There are lots of other issues with both hands like most of us have and I am determined to keep using them and keep them working.  Good self conversation works here too and being thankful that I have hands that can still do many things.

Just remember to Love yourself so that you can truly Love others.....

How Big is Your Backpack???

For a while now I have been noticing a statement floating around on social media that goes something like this:  "Be Kind to Everyone Because Everyone is Fighting Some Kind of Battle".  I tend to brush this off and smugly think to myself - yeah I just bet.    Ugh - I don't like that side of myself and I have to work hard to fight it.  I know it might be human nature, to some some extent, to think and believe that we are the only ones - no one else could be going through what I am or as much as I am.

Unfortunately there are many things to quickly snap us out of that frame of thought.  Each and every day I am reminded how very difficult and gut wrenching the problems of others I know are.  I started thinking about something that my Hubby always says.  He tells me quite frequently that we don't know what others are carrying in their backpack - their hypothetical metaphorical backpack that is. This is the place where all of your problems, worries, fears - real or imagined live.  From there my thinking went to - what if we could see every body's backpack - immediately see what others are carrying around in their lives.  We might complain less and feel more empathy and focus less on the weight of our own.  Of course there are always going to be those who have a very light pack and don't even realize it.  We can't change that so we just have to change how we see them and or deal with them.

Even further into that thinking, I thought about how each individual's bricks are weighted by their own experiences.  For example someone I know might have a brick labeled divorce and I might think it's not a horrific thing because mine was years ago and all of the pain has faded.  But theirs may be fresh and new and still causing gut wrenching pain.  Therefore not only are we carrying around these bricks but they morph and change in weight and pain over time.   Some days the bag is lighter for reasons only we may know.  Other days we can barely get out of bed and pick up the bag - it is just too heavy and the pain of the weight far too much.

All of these metaphors apply to a chronic illness as well.  It is definitely a weighty brick in the bags of those of us who carry it and the size, shape and weight of that brick changes hourly, daily, weekly and for the most part it is ever changing.  For most of us, the backpack will always be invisible and we will have to rely on the kindness of others to understand what we are carrying.  We will also need to try and envision the backpacks of others we come into contact with, friends, family, strangers and understand that while we may never know what they carry, we can try to understand and empathize with the fact that we all - every single one of us carries something.  Only we know the true weight.

Milestones.......Not Always What They are Cracked Up To Be...

From the minute we are born we are hitting milestones in our lives.  Smiling, talking, walking, growing and on and on.  This past week while reading a daily devotion from Guidepost I was forced to look a little harder at milestones in life and what they really represent.  The author of this particular writing was a young father and he was lamenting the progression of his young children from crib to bed.  Ahhh - I so remember those days - bitter sweet because as they grow and become more independent, they also are growing up and life is moving on.  While that is what we all wish for our children, it is not an easy process.

What this young Dad realized in this moment was startling to me - he said that each milestone......each growth and development is sort of like a death in a way.  Well I extrapolated this even further - for all of us as we touch these milestones in life, we are moving closer to our own mortality.  Yep - there it is - I said it. Each tick mark moves us closer to the line - whatever it may be for us.

As I move into the beginning of the 4th quarter of my life, I am starting to see that all of the rush to get to  these milestones is foolish.  We spend so much of our time worrying about this one or that but not so much enjoying the experience and what lies in between.  Since I have been forced to slow my life down and limit what I can actually do, I am learning that life is really in the small things and those big milestones and events - while exciting and wonderful - are not the sum of all things.  If I could go back I would linger over each one for my children and savor the deliciousness of each of their steps rather than pushing them along the path to grow up.

It is the very same with a chronic illness - we must make the most we can out of each day - good, bad or indifferent because hoping and waiting for the day we are better or reach the milestone of a cure may and most likely will never come.  This is not negativity speaking but acceptance and the attempt to learn to make the very most of what I do have rather than wishing for what I don't or may never.  I see suffering around me every day and I fully realize it is all part of life but we have to try to learn from everything and know that all experiences give us something whether it be learning, patience, appreciation, etc. we will get something from everything......every little thing.