When I was young and I would ask my Daddy a questions about time, his answer was always "Before you know it". As I get older I have realized that is one of the most profound things he ever told me. We would be driving somewhere and I would ask - "when will we be there?" - his answer would always be.....before you know it. When my boys were young they would ask "When will it be mornin time?" -- before you know it....one of my favorite memories - I can still hear their tinly little voices. That became our ritual with their prayers and tuck in. When I asked one of the boys last night if they remembered this, it hit me that this one statement is so prophetic and just a good no nonsense piece of advice
When will I be all grown up? When will it be Christmas? When will I get married?
When will my children be grown?
When will I be old and gray?
When we are young, adults always tell us to enjoy every minute because time passes so quickly and you must make the most of the present. It seems like just yesterday, I was young with babies in my arms - 4 sweet little boys and I blinked my eyes and they were graduating and grown and it truly seemed like it was before I knew it!" Don't waste time hanging out in the past or dwelling there --- nothing good can come of it. Try not to waste time worrying about the future because tomorrow it will be here and you will have lost time in the present worrying about it. Live each day to the fullest - find the good in it and count your blessings - even though some days they may be hard to find. As my hubby always says age is a high price to pay for maturity but we don't have to wait until we are old to enjoy it. All of this sounds like so much trite advice and just cheery nonsense but it is more true than we know.
All of this came to me when I was mulling over the fact that I had been in the throws of this illness for at least 20 years....wow 20 years - I have let it define me and let it push me to let life pass me by. There is no excuse for it and it is my fault -- no one elses - sort of a subconscious decision - not one I have made with thought or intent. Well - we all have to be present in our lives and along with the daily fight remember that you have to take time to live your life and make most of it. Make decisions with living in mind - not submission. Poke the bear, smile, laugh and enjoy because no matter what we do, good or bad......it will all pass us by Before you know it!
WAFM to DAHM
First I was a work away from home Mom and it was very hard....then I was a SAHM - stay at home mom and mother of 4- then I tried being a WAHM - work at home mom and that was awesome......But now I am a DAHM - Disabled at home Mom and I am doing the best that I can to make that Okay! Recently I have added caregiver and advocate to my 84 year old mother who suffers from Dementia and mental illness. Such is life... I hope you visit here and find a reason to smile and a little Joy!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
What I Am Thanksful For......
A while back I wrote about all of the things I miss.....and I do still miss them and more, but I have to pause each day to remember what I am so very thankful for. This not only keeps things in perspective but helps me to live in the moment rather than thinking about how great it will be when this thing or that thing happens. This list is not in any particular order - other than the first entry... ;o)
So I must choose to make this something to be thankful for - I am sure there is a reason for it and I know in time I will see it. But to see the good things that come to us, we must take our focus off of what we perceive to be losses and focus sharp on the things to be thankful for - you might be surprised to find that list is so much longer - trust me!
- I am always most thankful for my 4 wonderful boys and my husband of 25 years - my family. They are my life and I always tell them that as long as we are all still here, nothing can be too bad. I am so very fortunate that they accept me with all of my issues and go on as if all is normal
- The wonderful young women that my sons have brought into our lives - such a blessing to our family
- I am so very thankful for the roof over our head and the little bit of real estate we call our yard - full of birds and squirrels and so much more - now covered in bright colored leaves and a fresh breeze
- For the food we eat - each and every day - when you struggle in life, you come to realize that you have taken much for granted and one of those things is that you will always have good food to eat
- My wonderful menagerie of pets, a 19 year old calico cat still clinging onto life; an 11 year old crazy Jack Russell; an obsessed fat boy Beagle/Jack Russel mix and our baby kitty - 5 year old tuxedo cat - it wouldn't be home without them
- Internet, television, cable, electricity, heat, water, hot water and so much more that I used to completely take for granted and think that they would always just be there
- My wonderful little over worked laptop - it gives me a window to the outside world and keeps friends close that I might not otherwise ever see or hear from and allows me to continue to challenge my ever shrinking brain.... ;o) - use it or loose it
- Special found good close friends like the one I gained when my Son married and I got his Mother-in-Law as a special gift and the fact that she now lives only minutes away from me
- A purpose in life even though I can no longer work - I love to craft for a cause and while what I make may not be that special -- it means something to children in need and I gain so much more than they do
- Yarn and fabric to keep my hands busy when I have the energy to use them and more free ideas and patterns shared through the generous crafting community on line
So I must choose to make this something to be thankful for - I am sure there is a reason for it and I know in time I will see it. But to see the good things that come to us, we must take our focus off of what we perceive to be losses and focus sharp on the things to be thankful for - you might be surprised to find that list is so much longer - trust me!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Autumn - A Wonderful Time of the Year.....
I absolutely LOVE this time of the year - Fall!! Every year, as I have written here before, I try to hard to live in the present and enjoy every minute of it. In our warm Southern climate, it passes very quickly and before you know it December is here and we are in the throws of Christmas and the new year planning. I so want to breathe in the sweet fall air - in our case absent of humidity and the small cool breeze along with the beautiful reds and golds and oranges of the leaves as they flutter from the trees.If I don't make myself more aware it will pass me by in the blink of an eye and I will be dreaming of the time when Fall visits once again. Life with a chronic illness is much the same - if we don't consciously live in the moment we will get bogged down with the mundane daily issues of our illness and miss life as it flies by us at warp speed. I cannot tell you the days, weeks and years that I will never get back, that I have wasted obsessing and dwelling on something that I can't change and in the long run may even make things worse for my health.
Don't be afraid to enjoy - go outside and take a short walk if you are able, visit a place where Fall abounds and soak it in....put some little reminders of the season around you at home and enjoy the color of it all. It will give you a lift and a smile and believe it or not it can make you feel better both mentally and physically. Life is short - engage!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Step Outside Yourself.....
Believe it or not, one of the best ways to heal yourself or at least deal with your symptoms is to Step Outside Yourself!" I would never have thought it but it is so true. The minute you begin to look for ways to help others and ease their pain, you ease your own and gain so much more than you give. I am not preaching here and believe me, I am no saint. This all began out of my desire to create and then grew to creating for a cause - this ideal changed everything and has become my purpose in life. Other than my husband and boys, this is the mainstay of my existence. I believe it partly gives me a way to give back for all of the blessings I have received through my bout with this illness and it also is therapy for me both physically and mentally. You can't possibly understand the depth of this way of thinking until you try it - it is magical - I promise you.
My passion is babies and children - but yours can be anything in the world - it just needs to be something you feel passionate about. The rest will follow. All of my adult life, my babies, my boys have been the greatest joy and the times when they were young were the best in my life and my absolute greatest pride and joy. I still smile to myself when I think of the fact that I have 4 boys - the greatest gift in life for me as well as the husband of my dreams. Start with something that gives you joy or that concerns you and go from there. There is so much information online to help you with any cause you feel strongly about.
So......the prescription that has done the most for me is Stepping Outside Myself......it really works. Give it a try and you will be rewarded so much more than you could ever give!!
My passion is babies and children - but yours can be anything in the world - it just needs to be something you feel passionate about. The rest will follow. All of my adult life, my babies, my boys have been the greatest joy and the times when they were young were the best in my life and my absolute greatest pride and joy. I still smile to myself when I think of the fact that I have 4 boys - the greatest gift in life for me as well as the husband of my dreams. Start with something that gives you joy or that concerns you and go from there. There is so much information online to help you with any cause you feel strongly about.
So......the prescription that has done the most for me is Stepping Outside Myself......it really works. Give it a try and you will be rewarded so much more than you could ever give!!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The Funk is Here......
We all have different ways of knowing when the gray fog is coming over and sometimes we can stop it before it takes over. Other times we let it consume us and we can't bring ourselves to fight the force. I am there and trying hard to climb back over the wall - so far no luck.
It comes in many forms and hits in many ways but the end is always the same. A down time - a funk,where I fight to get out of bed, sleep more and more, and can't seem to accomplish much of anything. I let my meds run out and forget to refill them and the longer that goes on the lower I go. I miss my doctor's appointments and without the doctor's visits I can't get the refills I need, and round and round we go. Sooooo that's where I am at - every day I tell myself I will make a doctor's appointment, leave the house, remember to do what I need to, but each day ends the same - still feeling bad that I cannot kick this. It is the egg and the chicken again - is it the depression that causes all of this or the illness that causes the depression that causes this to happen. I guess it doesn't really matter how it happens because I truly don't believe there is any way to avoid it. It just is and I believe that the fact that I can see it is at least some sort of movement in the right direction.
Normally my worst down time is in the winter - cold, dark, day after day.....this year it appears to be the repressive heat that we have experienced. It has kept me prisoner here at home - some weeks I don't leave at all - my daily trip to the mail box (that is if I make it out of the house) is my highlight and my only exercise.
Oh well - enough of that - I have to get a grip and grab hold of whatever I can to pull myself back up and feel better......and I know I will - because if we don't try and we give up, then the illness wins and we lose and I am just not ready for that. Now I just have to convince my body of that and put one foot in front of the other. Even if I have to crawl - wait no - I can't do that my knees are shot. Gotta laugh so we don't cry.
It comes in many forms and hits in many ways but the end is always the same. A down time - a funk,where I fight to get out of bed, sleep more and more, and can't seem to accomplish much of anything. I let my meds run out and forget to refill them and the longer that goes on the lower I go. I miss my doctor's appointments and without the doctor's visits I can't get the refills I need, and round and round we go. Sooooo that's where I am at - every day I tell myself I will make a doctor's appointment, leave the house, remember to do what I need to, but each day ends the same - still feeling bad that I cannot kick this. It is the egg and the chicken again - is it the depression that causes all of this or the illness that causes the depression that causes this to happen. I guess it doesn't really matter how it happens because I truly don't believe there is any way to avoid it. It just is and I believe that the fact that I can see it is at least some sort of movement in the right direction.
Normally my worst down time is in the winter - cold, dark, day after day.....this year it appears to be the repressive heat that we have experienced. It has kept me prisoner here at home - some weeks I don't leave at all - my daily trip to the mail box (that is if I make it out of the house) is my highlight and my only exercise.
Oh well - enough of that - I have to get a grip and grab hold of whatever I can to pull myself back up and feel better......and I know I will - because if we don't try and we give up, then the illness wins and we lose and I am just not ready for that. Now I just have to convince my body of that and put one foot in front of the other. Even if I have to crawl - wait no - I can't do that my knees are shot. Gotta laugh so we don't cry.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
To Be or Not To BE.......
Last night I stumbled upon a Facebook page that really startled me and I have to admit that it makes me very anxious. To make matters worse, I clicked on the infamous "like" button before I realized what it really was. Very foolish use of my "likes" and now I cannot stop this garbage from arriving on my News Feed on a very regular basis. The page was a rant against those with Fibromyalgia - sounds tame enough but for those of us with these invisible illnesses it is the very thing we fear and deal with on a daily basis.This experience brought to mind when my oldest son was a teenager and we took him in for braces. We knew that he had several rotated teeth and definitely needed the braces, but we had no idea how bad it was. When my husband and I sat across from the orthodontist and he showed us the castings of my son's mouth, we were shocked. I asked the Dr. how in the world all of that could be going on in his mouth and you really couldn't tell it. He said without hesitation, "he is compensating" - he has learned to hold his mouth in such a way that you cannot tell that he has a tremendous over bite to say the least. Several years later we learned that he had done the same thing with his ADD - he never showed any of the usual signs of over activity, etc. He was so well behaved that we should have known something was up. ;o) He was struggling so hard to stay in control and handling things on his own but it would have been so much easier if he had been able to get some help.
That brings me back to our Facebook hate monger - he is the epitome of what we all believe that others are thinking. So, as a result, many of us hide our illnesses, compensate and pretend that we are fine. So much of the time, only our families and closest friends know what we go through and how we all suffer. I did this for many years to keep working - I was told time and again that I would lose credibility and my work if I didn't do that and funny thing is ---- I lost it any way. I worked way to hard, did way too much and over compensated and it cost me - big time. It made it harder to fight for my Social Security Disability, made it harder in the long run for my family and has taken away any pride I had in the work I did for over 14 years. It also ravaged what little good health I had left.
But - the hero in this story is a friend named Misty Roberts - she puts herself out there for us - she becomes our voice and stands up for us when we are unwilling or unable to do so. She takes on all of the bad guys and is not afraid to take the barrage of ugliness that some are willing to throw our way. So - we all have to decide if we can Be who we really are or continue to compensate - over compensate to keep the peace. I am not a good example and I have been embarrassed and unable to be honest about my health, and I surely am not advocating whining and complaining - that is not good for anybody - as my MIL would say - "That ain't never good" and she is right. But - we can all find constructive ways to have honest productive communication about our illnesses and work to move forward in the understanding that doctors, family, friends and the general public need to have. Misty is the perfect example of this and we can follow her lead. Her web site is http://fmcfsme.com. You can also find her on FaceBook. If you want good honest conversation and information, this is the place to find it! She is our Angel in a sea of criticism and speculation!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
To Do or Not To Do........
The week of July 4th is always a very busy time around our house. Three of our four boys have their birthday and with the holiday it gets a little crazy. I do love it though! The problem arises each year when I try to do way too much and don't listen to the signals that trouble is coming. None of us want to believe that we can't - I remember my Daddy saying "Can't never could" to me when I was little to discourage my whining and saying "I can't" which I often did when faced with new things.
The odd thing about chronic illnesses is that most of us continue to try to do things we know we cannot and we refuse to accept our limitations. That makes life difficult for us and our friends and families. But.....there is a fine balance here - we still have to try and push to do whatever we still can because if we completely give up we won't be able to. So - each holiday, birthday, event, etc. we have to reassess what we can do on this day, this year, this particular time and try to make the best decisions. Not always easy and I tend to err on the do way to much side and pay for it later. I am told this is typical for those with these types of diseases. Someone in a support group I belonged to once told me that if you don't want to do anything and don't believe you can, you are more than likely depressed----but when you want to do so much and try but can't, it is more likely you are physically ill - I believe this to be true.
So this year I did and I am glad that I did and we had a wonderful day to celebrate the 4th as well as three birthdays in our family - all together. By some standards, not a big celebration but wonderful all the same. At the end of the day, I felt good about the efforts I was able to make and I believe in pushing myself and fighting because "can't never could".....
The odd thing about chronic illnesses is that most of us continue to try to do things we know we cannot and we refuse to accept our limitations. That makes life difficult for us and our friends and families. But.....there is a fine balance here - we still have to try and push to do whatever we still can because if we completely give up we won't be able to. So - each holiday, birthday, event, etc. we have to reassess what we can do on this day, this year, this particular time and try to make the best decisions. Not always easy and I tend to err on the do way to much side and pay for it later. I am told this is typical for those with these types of diseases. Someone in a support group I belonged to once told me that if you don't want to do anything and don't believe you can, you are more than likely depressed----but when you want to do so much and try but can't, it is more likely you are physically ill - I believe this to be true.
So this year I did and I am glad that I did and we had a wonderful day to celebrate the 4th as well as three birthdays in our family - all together. By some standards, not a big celebration but wonderful all the same. At the end of the day, I felt good about the efforts I was able to make and I believe in pushing myself and fighting because "can't never could".....
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Onion Pie and So Much More.....
Much of the time I have trouble boiling water and most things I try don't seem to turn out these days. When I find a recipe that is something that my hubby and I love, I get pretty excited. When I make it (even remember to buy all the ingredients) and it turns out just as good as we imagined, then I am in heaven!! I used to be a fairly good cook - no Martha, but decent. Now it is hard work and way too easy for me to get confused and that is good for nobody - not even my dogs - even they know when to back away.
I tried this recipe last night and just crossed my fingers and hoped it would be eatable - well if I do say so myself it was fabulous -- just a fluke I'm sure but wonderful just the same. The recipe is below - I did use fat free half and half and about a cup of the cheese and I added some garlic. It all came together and it cuts so beautifully - could have been that Paula Deen Pie Dish - I don't know.......but who cares - it was Great!!!
Onion Pie
CDKitchen http://www.cdkitchen.com
Serves/Makes: 6 | Difficulty Level: 3 | Ready In: 30-60 minutes
Ingredients:
1 premade pie crust, 9"
2 cups thinly sliced Vidalia onions or other sweet onions
2 tablespoons butter (can use olive oil for half or all this amount)
3/4 cup milk (used fat free half and half)
2 eggs
3/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup packed grated sharp cheddar (used Swiss)
paprika (optional)
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 F. Melt olive oil in skillet over medium heat and saute onions until tender, about 5 minutes. Arrange onions in crust evenly.
Beat eggs, milk and salt in a bowl and season with pepper. Pour egg mixture over onions. Sprinkle with cheese and a dash of paprika, if desired.
Bake until knife inserted in center comes out clean, about 30-35 minutes.
Recipe Location: http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/67/Onion_Pie20310.shtml
Recipe ID: 31615
Don't forget to stop back at CDKitchen and write a review or upload a picture of this recipe!
This recipe is from CDKitchen http://www.cdkitchen.com
© 1995-2010 CDKitchen, Inc.
Onion Pie http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/print/31615,20310,s=6.html
1
I tried this recipe last night and just crossed my fingers and hoped it would be eatable - well if I do say so myself it was fabulous -- just a fluke I'm sure but wonderful just the same. The recipe is below - I did use fat free half and half and about a cup of the cheese and I added some garlic. It all came together and it cuts so beautifully - could have been that Paula Deen Pie Dish - I don't know.......but who cares - it was Great!!!
Onion Pie
CDKitchen http://www.cdkitchen.com
Serves/Makes: 6 | Difficulty Level: 3 | Ready In: 30-60 minutes
Ingredients:
1 premade pie crust, 9"
2 cups thinly sliced Vidalia onions or other sweet onions
2 tablespoons butter (can use olive oil for half or all this amount)
3/4 cup milk (used fat free half and half)
2 eggs
3/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup packed grated sharp cheddar (used Swiss)
paprika (optional)
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 F. Melt olive oil in skillet over medium heat and saute onions until tender, about 5 minutes. Arrange onions in crust evenly.
Beat eggs, milk and salt in a bowl and season with pepper. Pour egg mixture over onions. Sprinkle with cheese and a dash of paprika, if desired.
Bake until knife inserted in center comes out clean, about 30-35 minutes.
Recipe Location: http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/recs/67/Onion_Pie20310.shtml
Recipe ID: 31615
Don't forget to stop back at CDKitchen and write a review or upload a picture of this recipe!
This recipe is from CDKitchen http://www.cdkitchen.com
© 1995-2010 CDKitchen, Inc.
Onion Pie http://www.cdkitchen.com/recipes/print/31615,20310,s=6.html
1
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Oil.....
Yesterday while feeding our various pets (we have a zoo) I was reminded of the old adage, The Squeaky wheel gets the oil, meaning the one who complains the loudest and longest gets attention first. We have two dogs and two cats - crazy, I know - especially for someone like me but they bring us so much joy. Back to my story - the dogs - Maddie a Jack Russell and BJ - a Beagle-Jack Russell mix are normally always first. As a matter of fact they get so excited about their breakfast that I don't feed them unless there is no one else around to do it. They knock me down, cause me to spill the food and then commence to fight over the bowls and who might have more......then they beg for treats - bones, etc. - non dog food type stuff and believe it or not they both Love carrots - the little tiny sweet kind and will literally attack you for one.
Then there is the old cat who lives on the back porch - she just turned 19 on March 17 - no, really! She is a calico and we got her when she would fit in the palm of your hand and she had a Siamese Daddy - quite a mix. She is living on the porch now because it is warm and it helps her old bones and because she can't remember how to use a litter pan -- and we all know how that story ends. She is also very noisy like most Siamese and she makes the long MEeeeeee-OWwwwwww sound that will wake the dead and reverberate your brain. Then there is the baby - Jessie - she is a tuxedo kitty and just turned 5 years old. We got her at 5 weeks when we thought the old one was dying once again but turned out to be on her 15th or so life. This little fat kitty does not meow or fuss or cause any real problems other than scratching a little now and then.
So when it is feed up time and I am handling the duties, I notice that she quietly watches me feed the others, tries to stay out of the way and then she makes a few little peeps and looks me in the eye as if to ask - my turn now? So yesterday, I explained to her that the others make more noise and trouble so that is why they get attention first. She turns her head sideways as she often does and looks at me as if to say "that's ok - as long as you don't forget me" - so sweet.
That brings me to my point - maybe those of us who have the invisible illnesses that we do, don't get the attention we need because unless we fuss and complain and call attention to ourselves, we are not noticed. Personally, I have had a problem with that because I don't like complaining so I figure I don't want to be that person. But......in this case we all must make an exception. If you are ill and the problems are not apparent, you must stand up for yourself - be vigilant - keep track of your symptoms - call them to your health care provider's attention - don't sit and wait for them to be discovered because I am here to tell you it more than likely won't happen. In this instance you must be the squeaky wheel and don't stop until someone comes with the oil can!!
Then there is the old cat who lives on the back porch - she just turned 19 on March 17 - no, really! She is a calico and we got her when she would fit in the palm of your hand and she had a Siamese Daddy - quite a mix. She is living on the porch now because it is warm and it helps her old bones and because she can't remember how to use a litter pan -- and we all know how that story ends. She is also very noisy like most Siamese and she makes the long MEeeeeee-OWwwwwww sound that will wake the dead and reverberate your brain. Then there is the baby - Jessie - she is a tuxedo kitty and just turned 5 years old. We got her at 5 weeks when we thought the old one was dying once again but turned out to be on her 15th or so life. This little fat kitty does not meow or fuss or cause any real problems other than scratching a little now and then.
So when it is feed up time and I am handling the duties, I notice that she quietly watches me feed the others, tries to stay out of the way and then she makes a few little peeps and looks me in the eye as if to ask - my turn now? So yesterday, I explained to her that the others make more noise and trouble so that is why they get attention first. She turns her head sideways as she often does and looks at me as if to say "that's ok - as long as you don't forget me" - so sweet.
That brings me to my point - maybe those of us who have the invisible illnesses that we do, don't get the attention we need because unless we fuss and complain and call attention to ourselves, we are not noticed. Personally, I have had a problem with that because I don't like complaining so I figure I don't want to be that person. But......in this case we all must make an exception. If you are ill and the problems are not apparent, you must stand up for yourself - be vigilant - keep track of your symptoms - call them to your health care provider's attention - don't sit and wait for them to be discovered because I am here to tell you it more than likely won't happen. In this instance you must be the squeaky wheel and don't stop until someone comes with the oil can!!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sun and Sand..........
My family has a vacation planned! The first one in over 8 years - exciting - yes; worrisome - yes that too! Why, you say?? Vacations have not notoriously been a good thing for me and I don't want to ruin my family's good time. I hate being the downer in the room --- no fun at all.
Believe it or not, even a vacation can be a stressful illness causing event for people with CFS/ME/Fibro and more. The heat, sun, travel, having too much fun, can all cause exacerbation of symptoms and land you in bed for an extended stay. I so remember years ago, going camping with my family (which I loved) and getting to much sun and then having a huge outbreak of fever blisters all over my mouth and nose - so sick and we had to pack up and leave early. It took so long to get over that trip and I was still working full time at that time and no one could understand how I could go back to work and be worse off than BEFORE vacation. Such is the life with these illnesses.
So here we are trying to give it another try and I am trying to be optimistic and get excited.....cautiously but excited. Things to remember - lots of sun block (have to find one that does not cause breakouts), drink, drink, and drink water -- can't tell you how many times my hubby has had to go out in the middle of the night for meds for bladder infection while on vacation or at a conference (caused by the Interstitial Cystitis) and that is no fun - seems to always happen when all stores are closed. Be careful what I eat and don't over do or over eat.....or over anything. Easy right? Takes practice but it is doable. Then there is the drive to get there - don't get car sick - sit in the right place in the car; take meds before the headache comes and do all that you can to avoid any infections - sinus, bladder, ear, etc.
I am surely not complaining --- just trying to make this an enjoyable time for my family and hopefully I will have some fun too. ;o) Just being with them is fun enough for me. Many times I stay behind because it is just easier for them and for me and I do it knowing that they will enjoy the freedom; freedom from the worry and aggravation of having to deal with a chronic illness. It wears you down and no one can understand unless they have lived with it. Those of you who know - understand and relate. We do what we have to and are happy to do it. Sooooo here's to vacation!! Enjoy ---- but not too much. ;o)
Believe it or not, even a vacation can be a stressful illness causing event for people with CFS/ME/Fibro and more. The heat, sun, travel, having too much fun, can all cause exacerbation of symptoms and land you in bed for an extended stay. I so remember years ago, going camping with my family (which I loved) and getting to much sun and then having a huge outbreak of fever blisters all over my mouth and nose - so sick and we had to pack up and leave early. It took so long to get over that trip and I was still working full time at that time and no one could understand how I could go back to work and be worse off than BEFORE vacation. Such is the life with these illnesses.
So here we are trying to give it another try and I am trying to be optimistic and get excited.....cautiously but excited. Things to remember - lots of sun block (have to find one that does not cause breakouts), drink, drink, and drink water -- can't tell you how many times my hubby has had to go out in the middle of the night for meds for bladder infection while on vacation or at a conference (caused by the Interstitial Cystitis) and that is no fun - seems to always happen when all stores are closed. Be careful what I eat and don't over do or over eat.....or over anything. Easy right? Takes practice but it is doable. Then there is the drive to get there - don't get car sick - sit in the right place in the car; take meds before the headache comes and do all that you can to avoid any infections - sinus, bladder, ear, etc.
I am surely not complaining --- just trying to make this an enjoyable time for my family and hopefully I will have some fun too. ;o) Just being with them is fun enough for me. Many times I stay behind because it is just easier for them and for me and I do it knowing that they will enjoy the freedom; freedom from the worry and aggravation of having to deal with a chronic illness. It wears you down and no one can understand unless they have lived with it. Those of you who know - understand and relate. We do what we have to and are happy to do it. Sooooo here's to vacation!! Enjoy ---- but not too much. ;o)
Friday, June 4, 2010
Some Things Get Better While Others Go Down Hill......
For most of us, each day brings new challenges and struggles - for those of us with autoimmune issues, these can be complex. It always amazes me that I will have a day or two that is fairly good by my standards, and I fall for the joke my body plays on me. I start to think - am I better?? Am I really sick at all or is this all in my head? Maybe I can do whatever I want and I just don't realize it. Maybe all of my symptoms and conditions have disappeared and I was not aware of it. Then --- as suddenly as the good days came, they are gone and the wave of pain, fatigue, confusion and too much more flood me with the reality that it is not in my head and yes I am still just what I thought I was - someone who is very limited in function.
What is worse is when I begin to believe that I can do what I dream about doing -- over doing --- then I am quickly reminded what the cost of over doing is!!! Days or even weeks of more debilitating symptoms than what I normally experience on a daily basis. Therefore, we walk a tight rope - do enough to help but don't do too much. Add to that the fact that this can be a different equation on any given day - it is not a sure thing or something that we can know for sure at any time. Today - maybe I can wash and fold a couple of loads of laundry and be ok - tomorrow that may be too much. It is all trial and error and more trial. I tend to push the envelope and I personally believe that is I why I am not completely bedridden, but it could also be why my condition is moderate to severe rather than mild - who knows. The only thing that I know for sure is that I am going to try to live this life that I have in the best way that I can as long as I can take a breath. I would rather push a little to stay alert and enjoy my family and I believe that we each have to fight so that this monster does not over take us and take over our lives. Don't ever give up the fight! That is what keeps us going.
What is worse is when I begin to believe that I can do what I dream about doing -- over doing --- then I am quickly reminded what the cost of over doing is!!! Days or even weeks of more debilitating symptoms than what I normally experience on a daily basis. Therefore, we walk a tight rope - do enough to help but don't do too much. Add to that the fact that this can be a different equation on any given day - it is not a sure thing or something that we can know for sure at any time. Today - maybe I can wash and fold a couple of loads of laundry and be ok - tomorrow that may be too much. It is all trial and error and more trial. I tend to push the envelope and I personally believe that is I why I am not completely bedridden, but it could also be why my condition is moderate to severe rather than mild - who knows. The only thing that I know for sure is that I am going to try to live this life that I have in the best way that I can as long as I can take a breath. I would rather push a little to stay alert and enjoy my family and I believe that we each have to fight so that this monster does not over take us and take over our lives. Don't ever give up the fight! That is what keeps us going.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I am the Face of Fibro/CFS/ME
There are many things that most don't know about me - and would not care to know. Only those who have lived within my four walls know the complete truth. I share them here in the hopes that we can laugh and cry together as we realize our similarities. If you suffer from a chronic illness then you will truly understand. Walk with me through my day.
1. I am a very high maintenance female, but, believe me it is not in a good way and it in no way is about beauty. I have to take lots of meds, be very careful what I eat, obstain from most things I enjoy just to be able to get out of bed and try to be a functioning person.
2. No I am not on street drugs, I rarely drink alcohol and do not have a drinking problem, and I don't abuse prescription drugs......this is just me. I fall a lot, I sway and loose my balance, get confused, forget words, look ragged most of the time and have extremely dark circles and bags under my eyes. Unfortunately I did not have the good time to bring on this 24/7 hangover - this is just me - the me that I have become.
3. I am not unhappy - why you say....because for years I had to pretend to be normal and try to work when I knew I was not capable. I couldn't be honest about my issues and no one wanted to hear it and probably still don't. But - now I don't have to feel ashamed and I don't have to pretend any longer - I am what I am and I am just happy to be alive and have my family and friends. I have gone through the "Become" stage just like the Velvateen Rabit and what I am is what I am and that's ok. My family and good friends accept this and don't question it any longer.
4. I have purpose in my life even if it is smaller than what I once had, it is purpose all the same and we all need that - even if we don't think we do. While my purpose may not matter to anyone but me, it gets me out of bed and keeps one foot in front of the other. That is a wonderful thing.
5. I am like Sleeping Beauty except with out the beauty part. I have to sleep at least 10-12 hours a day to function and many days it is much more. This has been very hard to accept but as a good friend tells me, what is the alternative?? I will take the sleep rather than the Big sleep - the permanent one. :)
6. Like many I have good days and bad. Over the years my good days have turned into hours but I am thankful just the same. Bad days can last well for days and days - sometimes months - especially during cold weather. I mention this not for what it does to me but for how hard it makes things for my family.
7. If I see you out somewhere (which is unlikely) I may not remember your name, even if I have known you for years. I will more than likely know that I know you but maybe not in what context. I worked with large groups of people over the years and most especially in my admin business and it is difficult now for me to put people in their correct place - did I go to school with you?, did we meet at a conference?, did I do work for you? I know this sounds crazy but it is what it is.
8. Many friends have told me the age old thing - "But you don't look sick!" when they do see me. Well if I am out of my house, I have taken a good deal of energy to look somewhat presentable and believe me it is not my norm. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago in total frustration - feeling so ill and frustrated - in my sweat pants, white t-shirt and no make-up and my hair looking like a friz ball. I had taken a bath and just dressed and went. I normally never do that because I look like a life long smoker on a binge looking for a large box to spend the night in - seriously......and I have never smoked in my life. Anyway - you just don't get the same service and understanding when people see you looking like that. When anyone who does not know me well comes to my house, I notice they are noticably shocked at what they see. It is what it is.
9. Most days I stay in stretch pants and t-shirts because they are comfortable and they don't hurt. Sometimes I sleep in the same ones I wore all day long. I wear the same thing day and night and rarely wear shoes because they hurt to put on and they hurt my feet.
10. I no longer am able to take a bath or shower every day - shocker! Not because I am too large or heavy - I am not that fat. :) It is because it takes so much energy that if I shower and wash my hair, I am spent for the day. It is not likely that I will be able to do a lot more until the next. I have to take hospital baths - some people have a funnier name for that, but it is when you wash everything important at the sink and change your clothes. It works. Washing my hair is a huge deal even though I don't have much. I cannot dry it because I can't hold up the dryer for the time it takes. Washing my hair and leaving my house does not happen in the same day! Every now and then I make it to get my hair cut - several times a year - and I love it when they wash and dry it for me. Hubby loves it when they blow dry it. :)
11. When I go out, I have to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find something to wear that covers all of the rashes, scars from rashes, blisters, etc. and won't hurt so much that it will expend more energy than it is worth. Hard to believe that once upon a time I used to dress every day in heals and hose, etc. Wow - who was that girl????
12. Yes - you may have seen me trying to get to a bathroom without passing go or collecting my $200 - if and more than likely, I am out and eat or drink, it is very probably that I will have a bathroom emergency. I have been very lucky and have so far been able to make it without incident but just recently came dangerously close to a very bad incident in the Target store which would have left many shoppers very unhappy. Their restrooms are just too far away!!!
13. I can drive a car and I have a license to do so but you don't want me to. I only drive within about a 5 mile radious of my house. Rarely if I have to go further, I have to prepare and many times have to cancel a doctor's appointment because I just can't do it. There is just too much going on and way too much for my rattled brain to take in all at once.
14. Please don't watch me eat.....it doesn't really bother me but it may bother you. I use a butter knife to push and shovel food onto my fork in neat small amounts so that it makes its way to my mouth without taking a side trip down the front of my shirt or worse. For some reason my hands have decided that they do not have to follow the direction of my brain all the time and take over when ever they feel the need. The same goes for drinking - sometimes my head shakes or sometimes inexplicably I spill my drink or just drop it. We go through lots of glasses and dishes.
15. The hardest thing for me to admit is that I am no longer dependable and I think that I can do so much more than what is reality. I say I can do things and I truly believe it when the words come out of my mouth but when the times comes to actually do it, it is a crap shoot - and my odds are not good.
Ok - so that is my top 15 - I could go on but let's not. I know anyone who has read this all the way to the bottom had heard enough. I don't disclose these things because I feel sorry for myself or want sympathy - I do it because I feel in my heart it will help others in the same position to believe that no matter what, life is worth living and good can come out of most anything. We just have to mine the gold and sometimes that is really hard but it is worth the dig.
1. I am a very high maintenance female, but, believe me it is not in a good way and it in no way is about beauty. I have to take lots of meds, be very careful what I eat, obstain from most things I enjoy just to be able to get out of bed and try to be a functioning person.
2. No I am not on street drugs, I rarely drink alcohol and do not have a drinking problem, and I don't abuse prescription drugs......this is just me. I fall a lot, I sway and loose my balance, get confused, forget words, look ragged most of the time and have extremely dark circles and bags under my eyes. Unfortunately I did not have the good time to bring on this 24/7 hangover - this is just me - the me that I have become.
3. I am not unhappy - why you say....because for years I had to pretend to be normal and try to work when I knew I was not capable. I couldn't be honest about my issues and no one wanted to hear it and probably still don't. But - now I don't have to feel ashamed and I don't have to pretend any longer - I am what I am and I am just happy to be alive and have my family and friends. I have gone through the "Become" stage just like the Velvateen Rabit and what I am is what I am and that's ok. My family and good friends accept this and don't question it any longer.
4. I have purpose in my life even if it is smaller than what I once had, it is purpose all the same and we all need that - even if we don't think we do. While my purpose may not matter to anyone but me, it gets me out of bed and keeps one foot in front of the other. That is a wonderful thing.
5. I am like Sleeping Beauty except with out the beauty part. I have to sleep at least 10-12 hours a day to function and many days it is much more. This has been very hard to accept but as a good friend tells me, what is the alternative?? I will take the sleep rather than the Big sleep - the permanent one. :)
6. Like many I have good days and bad. Over the years my good days have turned into hours but I am thankful just the same. Bad days can last well for days and days - sometimes months - especially during cold weather. I mention this not for what it does to me but for how hard it makes things for my family.
7. If I see you out somewhere (which is unlikely) I may not remember your name, even if I have known you for years. I will more than likely know that I know you but maybe not in what context. I worked with large groups of people over the years and most especially in my admin business and it is difficult now for me to put people in their correct place - did I go to school with you?, did we meet at a conference?, did I do work for you? I know this sounds crazy but it is what it is.
8. Many friends have told me the age old thing - "But you don't look sick!" when they do see me. Well if I am out of my house, I have taken a good deal of energy to look somewhat presentable and believe me it is not my norm. I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago in total frustration - feeling so ill and frustrated - in my sweat pants, white t-shirt and no make-up and my hair looking like a friz ball. I had taken a bath and just dressed and went. I normally never do that because I look like a life long smoker on a binge looking for a large box to spend the night in - seriously......and I have never smoked in my life. Anyway - you just don't get the same service and understanding when people see you looking like that. When anyone who does not know me well comes to my house, I notice they are noticably shocked at what they see. It is what it is.
9. Most days I stay in stretch pants and t-shirts because they are comfortable and they don't hurt. Sometimes I sleep in the same ones I wore all day long. I wear the same thing day and night and rarely wear shoes because they hurt to put on and they hurt my feet.
10. I no longer am able to take a bath or shower every day - shocker! Not because I am too large or heavy - I am not that fat. :) It is because it takes so much energy that if I shower and wash my hair, I am spent for the day. It is not likely that I will be able to do a lot more until the next. I have to take hospital baths - some people have a funnier name for that, but it is when you wash everything important at the sink and change your clothes. It works. Washing my hair is a huge deal even though I don't have much. I cannot dry it because I can't hold up the dryer for the time it takes. Washing my hair and leaving my house does not happen in the same day! Every now and then I make it to get my hair cut - several times a year - and I love it when they wash and dry it for me. Hubby loves it when they blow dry it. :)
11. When I go out, I have to spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find something to wear that covers all of the rashes, scars from rashes, blisters, etc. and won't hurt so much that it will expend more energy than it is worth. Hard to believe that once upon a time I used to dress every day in heals and hose, etc. Wow - who was that girl????
12. Yes - you may have seen me trying to get to a bathroom without passing go or collecting my $200 - if and more than likely, I am out and eat or drink, it is very probably that I will have a bathroom emergency. I have been very lucky and have so far been able to make it without incident but just recently came dangerously close to a very bad incident in the Target store which would have left many shoppers very unhappy. Their restrooms are just too far away!!!
13. I can drive a car and I have a license to do so but you don't want me to. I only drive within about a 5 mile radious of my house. Rarely if I have to go further, I have to prepare and many times have to cancel a doctor's appointment because I just can't do it. There is just too much going on and way too much for my rattled brain to take in all at once.
14. Please don't watch me eat.....it doesn't really bother me but it may bother you. I use a butter knife to push and shovel food onto my fork in neat small amounts so that it makes its way to my mouth without taking a side trip down the front of my shirt or worse. For some reason my hands have decided that they do not have to follow the direction of my brain all the time and take over when ever they feel the need. The same goes for drinking - sometimes my head shakes or sometimes inexplicably I spill my drink or just drop it. We go through lots of glasses and dishes.
15. The hardest thing for me to admit is that I am no longer dependable and I think that I can do so much more than what is reality. I say I can do things and I truly believe it when the words come out of my mouth but when the times comes to actually do it, it is a crap shoot - and my odds are not good.
Ok - so that is my top 15 - I could go on but let's not. I know anyone who has read this all the way to the bottom had heard enough. I don't disclose these things because I feel sorry for myself or want sympathy - I do it because I feel in my heart it will help others in the same position to believe that no matter what, life is worth living and good can come out of most anything. We just have to mine the gold and sometimes that is really hard but it is worth the dig.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Cooking Can Be Easy!!!
A good friend gave me the following recipe for Baked Potato Soup and I can't believe how easy it is. I know for many of us cooking can be really difficult and I don't do much any more - for my family's sake and mine. :) This is very hearty but also very tasty. You can make it with meat or not - I have two vegetarians in my family so it is always nice to find easy recipes like this. Let me know how you like it.
Tony Roma's Baked Potato Soup
You can substitute vegetable stock for the chicken, and imitation bacon bits for the real ones for a vegetarian dish. Serves 6-8
2 Medium Potatoes - Baked
3 teaspoons butter
1 cup diced white onion
2 teaspoons flour
4 cups chicken stock
2 cups water
1/4 cup cornstarch
1 1/2 cups instant mashed potatoes
1 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon pepper
1/2 teaspoon basil
1/8 teaspoon thyme
1 cup half and half
Optional Garnish
1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/4 crumbled cooked bacon
2 green onions chopped
I saute the onion in the butter and then add to the soup pot along with the stock and water. Then cut your potatoes up (sans skin) and add to the mix. I then added all of the seasonings and let simmer for about 30 minutes. I then added the flour and mashed potato flakes and whisked a little to be sure everything was disolved and smooth except the potato chuncks. Then add the half and half and stir well, reduce heat and simmer for about 15 minutes. It is delicious!!!
Tony Roma's Baked Potato Soup
You can substitute vegetable stock for the chicken, and imitation bacon bits for the real ones for a vegetarian dish. Serves 6-8
2 Medium Potatoes - Baked
3 teaspoons butter
1 cup diced white onion
2 teaspoons flour
4 cups chicken stock
2 cups water
1/4 cup cornstarch
1 1/2 cups instant mashed potatoes
1 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon pepper
1/2 teaspoon basil
1/8 teaspoon thyme
1 cup half and half
Optional Garnish
1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/4 crumbled cooked bacon
2 green onions chopped
I saute the onion in the butter and then add to the soup pot along with the stock and water. Then cut your potatoes up (sans skin) and add to the mix. I then added all of the seasonings and let simmer for about 30 minutes. I then added the flour and mashed potato flakes and whisked a little to be sure everything was disolved and smooth except the potato chuncks. Then add the half and half and stir well, reduce heat and simmer for about 15 minutes. It is delicious!!!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Mirror Makeovers Traveling Book........
I was given a wonderful gift by a friend and I know that anyone who reads it will agree. Please visit the link below and check it out. Even for those who don't have cancer, it is a like a welcome visit with a good friend. I have a different type of chronic health issues and I really enjoyed it. I found the book to be uplifting and inspiring as well as a guide or map to handle those difficult times in our lives as women. If you feel you would like to sign up for the traveling addition, please do - it is a wonderful experience!! There is also a video link below - check it out as well!!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
A New Year.......
I really can't believe we are well into the first month of 2010! When I started the process of trying to obtain Social Security Disability Income, this year seemed too far away to even imagine. Now that we have made it through the long process and I look back and, like much of life, it just flew by. I was very fortunate that my case moved along - it could have taken much longer but the assist from a wonderful group called Allsup made all the difference. I would greatly recommend them to anyone going through this and especially to those who have something that may be questioned such as an autoimmune disease. They plowed through the issues and knew what to do at every turn.It is funny - you say to yourself again and again - when I get my disability settled, I will do this or that and you dream and wonder what it will be like. I am so very thankful and I can't even begin to comprehend how I got here but none of those things that I thought I just had to do or have matter any longer. At the end of the day, you just want a little security and to be able to keep what you have, eat and have some health care and try to help take care of your family - similar to when you were well. I am forever grateful. Now, I fill my days with thinking about how, in my humble way, I can make a difference and help others who will follow me and have the same, although different, journey - because we all must handle the walk in our own way and with our own set of circumstances. But - if I can make it just a wee bit easier for someone else, then I will feel that I have done something worthwhile.
Friday, December 18, 2009
It is Definitely a Christmas Miracle!
As I have told my dear hubby many times, if anyone told me this story, I would have a hard time believing they were really experiencing all of the symptoms that I do on a daily basis. Telling your story and having the judge believe in you is key and when you are a bit confused and very forgetful, that can be a very tall order.
Well, miracle of miracles, I got a call last Thursday that the judge was reviewing my case and had a couple of questions about my onset date. After my disability advocate with Allsup and I discussed this, she said she would send the information to the judge and.........it may be possible that he would make an "on the record" decision and I would be approved without the need for a hearing. Did I hear her right????? After years of going back and forth on this (I first applied in January 2007), was it finally going to be over and end in my favor??? You can imagine - I was on pins and needles with my little laptop in my lap for the next half hour or so and she and I emailed back and forth a couple of times and then she said the magical words I longed to hear - "you do not need to appear at the hearing, there will be no hearing - congratulations!" I was numb and truthfully I still am. I guess I won't believe it until I see it on paper, it is surreal - a miracle of enormous proportion - not just for me but for my family. I cannot express my amazement and thankfulness completely here but believe me when I say it is huge!!!
So may things run through my mind - will they call me and tell me they made an error and we have to start again - hopefully not! I look at the future with some hope that I will finally improve, that maybe my family can have a somewhat normal life ----- normal by our standards anyway. It is more than I can fathom at once and it will take time for all of this to sink in.
The one promise that I made when all of this began is that I would do everything that I could to help others who have traveled along this path - those who are not as fortunate and those who are still hurting and in need. I will not forget and I will continue to fight for those who have not been as fortunate because we must remember that we are all in this together!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
We Have Hearing Date!!!!!
I have heard stories of things like this and I never really appreciated the gravity of the situation. You just cannot imagine until you walk this walk. This has really given me a new appreciation for anyone dealing with issues with their health and the dependence on the system for their well being. In this country, so many of us are used to being in control - control of our lives and everything related to it. There are always many factors that we just don't control - the weather, accidents, some illnesses, etc. - but at least most of the big stuff is in our hands. When you loose your ability to work things change - you give up independence in many ways and are at the mercy of many people you don't know and will never meet. For some of us that becomes a very frustrating journey and for many it turns into a long struggle.
I heard myself telling one of my doctors this week that I just did not want to be THIS person - I didn't want to be the one who was begging for disability income, who wore the label that says I can't work, the one who appeared to be useless to family and friends, community, etc. I used to be a hard working, law abiding, tax paying wife and mother. I worked for over 34 years of my life and paid my taxes - for 14 of those years I paid taxes as a self employed worker which means I paid in more as there was no employer to contribute. Now that I am damaged, I have to beg to get back some of what I paid in and made to feel as though I am somehow asking for help that I am not entitled to. This makes me angry and many like me but I fight the anger and try to be patient and I wait and I wait, and I hope that this decision will be made while there is still time to to try to repair some of the damage that all this waiting has done to my health.
Thirty-seven days from today a total stranger will sit in judgement of my situation and my future - I can only hope and pray that this individual will actually read the facts, actually truly know what is going on with me and will understand.......enough to allow me to receive some of the benefits that I have already paid for, so that I can try to piece the me, that I used to be, back together.......in some way. I am so very thankful for this opportunity but I proceed cautiously because I cannot afford to get my hopes up again - each denial, each disappointment takes way too much out of what is left of me and that is just not fair to my family because they walk this walk with me, even though this is not what they signed up for. So, we will count down the days with guarded hopeful anticipation and continue to travel this road and have faith for better days ahead.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Downwardly Mobile.......
Well as times goes on, we continue our path to being more and more downwardly mobile. I guess that is a term that will mark this time period in history and we will all become too familiar with what the meaning is.We all probably know someone who has been hit by this economic down turn and that is putting it mildly.
But what about the people you know who have the added stress of health issues and add to that the great health insurance dilemma.......then you have a snowball that becomes an avalanche.
It does not happen over night......usually it creeps in, one step at a time and then one day you look back and realize that you can't remember what one thing really started the decent and you know you may never be able to stop the fall. You wonder if you should just roll on down and stop fighting the pull, the force that keeps you moving until you hit that hard rock bottom. But.....would it be easier to let go - it is hard work to fight gravity...almost impossible but you continue anyway because that is your only choice. It is not just about you and for your family, you continue each day two steps forward, three backwards and all the while, you keep hoping that one day you will wake up and the illusive disability money you have been fighting for will show up, your insurance will pay for your necessary and needed medications, tests, etc. Things will not be quite so hard - you don't expect perfection or anything close to it - just not quite so hard. But, you are ever so aware that you are very blessed - you still have a roof over your head, food to eat and loved ones. While you are in danger of loosing those things - for today, they are still yours and there is still hope that you may begin a short climb back up - maybe you won't hit bottom - maybe you will just end up in a different place. That is not always bad - just different.
Now you are just thankful to have some connection with others, some sort of phone, possibly an internet connection, cable television - those are all things that will go soon if your situation does not head in a different direction and you know that the lack of communication and exercise for your brain will make your health situation worse - the fear of the long hours without these distractions is scary - but still it could be so much worse and you know that. You know in your heart that those are actually luxury items and just because one of you is working, that does not mean you can afford those things - life is hard and you have hit a rough spot.
It is funny - I thought of this blog entry while I was dealing with trying to change or get out of a cell phone contract that we had and could no longer afford. With so much job loss, I know there are others who are where we are and I wonder how we will continue to afford these essentials that we have become used to. Maybe we will have to make choices - I already know that of the three, I would choose Internet access without a doubt. My 14 year old tells me the same. While a phone is wonderful for keeping track of our loved ones, I have never been a real phone junkie - maybe when I was 14 but not for a very long time. But - the Internet can give you entertainment, news, information, ways to do all that you can to protect your health, email to keep up with those loved ones. For me it is a no brainer, but everyone in this situation will have to make this decision for themselves. I know that if I were still able to work, my choice would still be the same because when I worked, I was online all day with my work.
Yes - the convenience of all of the other wonderful gadgets is so nice but not necessary and we will survive as best we can. We will all learn to make a way in this new world that we find ourselves in and move forward in a different new way - not necessarily a bad way, but a different way. Could be we will find other ways to make up for what we have lost. I have to believe we will.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month
The month of October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and I am sure that most know someone, have a family member or have been touched by this disease. Please take a minute to visit the web page below. This book and site were put together by Regina Savage, a breast cancer survivor who has decided to make the most of her experience and reach out to others to help them. She is having a wonderful contest this month as well as her Traveling Book project. You will not want to miss this - you can check it out at the link below. We are all better when we work together and we become richer and our lives more full, when we reach out to others.
Friday, September 11, 2009
An Open Letter to President Obama

Dear President Obama:
I am writing you to give you my perspective on health care - my own individual situation is not so unique, in our country today....it is the reality of many. I hope you will give me a few minutes of your time to read through my story. Hopefully it will serve a purpose of some kind for many who find themselves in the same place that I am. I voted for you in the last election and I support you, but even if I didn't, I would hope that you would listen and understand because I am the voice of many. Regardless of partisan relationships and all that follows, I believe and hope that you are a fair individual with the best interests of our country at heart. I truly believe that good will prevail, if not in my lifetime, then in years to come.
I am a 52 year old female, married for almost 25 years and I have four boys - 3 grown and on their own and one still at home - a teenager. But, I could be any age with any family situation. My name is Lynne, but it could be Sally or Sam or Tom - because you see I am the voice of many. You don't know me and I am not well known, but our government and medical insurance companies are slowly killing me and putting an end to families like mine across the country. Sounds extreme - I realize - but look at the facts.
Forgive me if this goes on too long but I have to get this out - this morning I woke up with the words spilling from my brain so fast that I could barely scoop them up and put them to paper. I must do this while I can, because tomorrow they may be lost like so many marbles in my head rolling around and never coming together.
I had to give up my job 18 months ago - my situation may be a little different than most but it is common. I was self-employed for over 14 years and as my health deteriorated, I was unable to do my job and no longer had the strength to fight for it. I was an administrative contractor for a non-profit association in the State of South Carolina. As a self employed individual, I was not eligible for unemployment benefits, insurance, or any other perks that our state employees or corporate employees enjoy. Although I worked for this group for almost 14 years and was treated as an employee, when I could no longer perform in the manner they became accustomed, they were ready and willing to throw me out like so much trash - such is the norm in our society. But...alas, that is a story for another day.
The long story short is that I was 51 years old with no job, no income and I was disabled - a disability which was partly made worse by the fact that I continued to try to work, to do the right thing - hold down a job, bring in an income, pay my taxes! I fought this disability for the last 18 years and it has become progressively worse. Unfortunately for myself and my family, it is an auto-immune condition and therefore I am shunned by doctors, friends, and others who say "But you don't look sick?" and because it is not all black and white and is hard to diagnose and treat. The particulars don't matter because they are different for all of us, but the results are the same. We can't work, we aren't well, can't get anyone to hire us, cannot be dependable as we once were, and live with shame because we can't help support our families and do what is expected of us. We are not dying today and probably not tomorrow....but we will die sooner than we should because we fall through the cracks each and every day! The test that was not ordered that could have shown a small cancer will be found much too late or the medications that could have been prescribed for the deterioration of a brain that could have been saved, were never given.
Well, less than 6 months after loosing my income, my husband lost his job. Now I know you are probably thinking that all good citizens should be prepared for that - right? He works in retail management and has all his life and there is no job security there. This is the 2nd time he has been out of work in the last 4 years and all of our retirement, savings, emergency money, etc. is gone! With the first job loss, he was out of work for about 5 weeks and we survived, but after six months of my having no income, we are drained dry this time. My medications and medical bills ate up all of our money in the bank as well as paying bills. He is a good man, guilty of nothing more than caring for his employees and trying to do the right thing. But in our state of South Carolina you can be let go for any reason - we are a work at will state. I am sure you are familiar with South Carolina - an interesting Governor to say the least, and congressman that is more worried about his republican constituency than the citizens who are hurting or lacking.
So, we were without income for approximately 4 months - and he finally found another management position in February of this year. While he is making a decent salary, it is less than what he earned before and we bring in less than half of what we once did. We are so very thankful for this job but..... we still continue to fall through the cracks!
After 7 long months without insurance, we finally were eligible in April - something to celebrate right? Well soon after we dished out the first big premium to Blue Cross and Blue Shield, we received a letter concerning pre-existing conditions. This is not much of a problem for my son or husband, but for me and others like me, it will mean that most of my medical will not be covered until January of 2010! They tell me that if they find any mention - just a note - about any condition that I was seen for during the 6 months prior to this coverage, they will not pay. I only visited my doctor's office 2 times during that period of time - once for a prescription refill, and the other for and update on paperwork for my Social Security Disability filing at the request of my doctor. Well - BINGO - that visit gives the insurance company all they need to deny everything for me for 8 more months. Their reason for doing this - I was without insurance for 7 months! Does this make sense???
I would suppose there are two ways to look at this - 1. I will die for some reason before January of 2010 and they won't have to pay anything; or 2. Anything that possibly could have been treated during this time will get worse and be more costly in the long run.......Does any of this make sense??? In a discussion with the insurance company yesterday, I told the rep that I knew for a fact that I have a new diagnosis and new necessary treatment and she again stated that even though I thought that was true, the claim would more than likely be denied.
So, here we are - barely making ends meet because of the cost of health care, medications that we can't afford even with prescription insurance, and still waiting for a year and a half - over 18 months for SS Disability Income! The real kicker - I have been denied twice already because I did not have insurance, and therefore was not able to visit the doctor, and therefore must not be sick enough to warrant the disability income and so on and so on with the house that health insurance built!
I cannot give you the full impact of my frustration in this letter - I can only say that the pain this has caused my family is unbearable to me. This is not about me or my illness, as much as it is about what this has done to everything that we have worked for. I have been employed and worked for 34 years of my life and would still be if it were possible. I have paid my taxes and paid more than most due to the fact that I was self-employed for 14 years and now at 52, I am literally begging for help and hoping and praying it won't come too late - after my family has lost their home, their self respect, dignity, and worst of all, faith in doing what is right and believing that we will be protected and taken care of in our time of need.
I don't know what the answer is and I surely don't have the magic bullet....but I know that there is an answer to be found because there are too many in this country hurting and dieing for the same reasons. Some say "let the churches take care of people like that" but unfortunately that just does not work either. If we don't all come together with a solution and forget about partisan issues and games, we will all witness the death of something so much more important......a decent life and the belief that if you work hard you will be ok - somehow, someway.
Again, I apologize for the length of the letter - I am passionate as you can tell and I have been very fortunate and blessed in my life - but now I, like so many others, need help and I am sending out one last distress signal in the hopes that someone will notice us - here hanging on by our nails to the the ever growing crack that will soon consume us.
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