Early 2016
It's been almost a year since I have posted here. I have felt just out of words. Days are good and bad and I have had some extraordinary ones in the past year along with the normal (whatever that is) and insane ones as well. Same for most I am sure. For me, I have entered into a new benchmark in my life. I am at that place where I have grown children that I still worry over and now a mother who has been diagnosed with Dementia and my brother and I must be her advocate as well as her caregivers. For the most part this is a thankless job as well as stressful and gut wrenching...at least in our case. With my own health issues and baggage, this is extremely complicated. But....we continue to do what we can because there is no choice. We are the only people in her life - she has no other relationships that have survived...very sad.
If you read this blog you may know that my relationship with my mother is anything but simple and has been that way my entire life - the same with she and my brother. This is also true of every other human she has ever known. Complicated comes to mind but it is so much more and I can't bring forward a word that actually defines it. For the most part, I feel that I spent my life at a party I wasn't invited to. I'm here in this world but not because anybody wanted it that way...I'm just one of those things that happened. I truly am not trying to whine and feel sorry for myself here...just struggling to understand my reality. My brother feels similarly and our mother lets us know that she changed our diapers, etc and what a burden we both were. Well it's not like we asked to be here or for anyone to take care of us.....no child does.
So here we are charged with the task of seeing our mother through this journey and unfortunately we don't have the tools in our backpacks that most adult children have when traveling this route. The majority of individuals in this scenario have the love and care provided them as children and they draw on that. It makes the tough times bearable. We look at this women who gave us life, albeit unwillingly, and try to squeeze some good feelings out and believe.....believe that we can do this. As I have said before, I do love my mother and long for a good relationship with her. Sadly she is rarely in a place where she can be motherly now and struggles just to be civil. Many times she does not know us......says we look familiar but is angry with us nonetheless. So strange how the mind works - not remembering us but remembering the anger and negative feelings. For me it is evident that she looks at me and I am a mirror of everything that she dislikes about herself - we look just a like. Also she is quick to tell me that I am just like my father whom she despised. He was an alcoholic (I'm not by the way) and probably the only person on earth who would have stayed by her side willingly for eternity but he passed on over 40 years ago. She equates my brother and I with the most unhappy memories and bad decisions she made in life.
Present Day ~ April 18, 2018
My mother left us last year on December 5th, silently in her sleep while a resident at a long term care facility. After many struggles and frustration, we were able to get her admitted there and we feel they cared for her in the best way possible. I will talk more about this in coming blogs but I will say emphatically that they more than likely saved both mine and my brother's sanity. I will always be indebted to them.
As life moves forward, as it does even if we aren't ready, I am always readjusting and dealing with the mental complications that my illness presents to me. I am so very thankful for supportive friends and family. My wish is that this blog continue to be a lifeline for those who suffer in the same way. There is much more to tell about all of our stories.
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