We Have Hearing Date!!!!!

Our Date is Tuesday, December 15th, 2009 -- We finally got the call we have been waiting for yesterday --- I still can't really believe it, but it happened!  I have been fighting for Social Security Disability for 19 months and it has been a hard fought battle.  My disability advocate had hoped that we would be able to get it without having to go to a hearing but that's ok.  I welcome the opportunity to tell my story - I am just hoping and praying that we will have a fair and open minded judge and the hearing will go well.  I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it - I am sure as the date approaches that will get worse but it will be worth it in the end - hopefully!  I am one of the lucky ones - my hearing has only take about 8 months to schedule - many in our state wait for over 20 months to get a hearing.

I have heard stories of things like this and I never really appreciated the gravity of the situation.  You just cannot imagine until you walk this walk.  This has really given me a new appreciation for anyone dealing with issues with their health and the dependence on the system for their well being.  In this country, so many of us are used to being in control - control of our lives and everything related to it.  There are always many factors that we just don't control - the weather, accidents, some illnesses, etc. - but at least most of the big stuff is in our hands.  When you loose your ability to work things change - you give up independence in many ways and are at the mercy of many people you don't know and will never meet.  For some of us that becomes a very frustrating journey and for many it turns into a long struggle.

I heard myself telling one of my doctors this week that I just did not want to be THIS person - I didn't want to be the one who was begging for disability income, who wore the label that says I can't work, the one who appeared to be useless to family and friends, community, etc.  I used to be a hard working, law abiding, tax paying wife and mother.  I worked for over 34 years of my life and paid my taxes - for 14 of those years I paid taxes as a self employed worker which means I paid in more as there was no employer to contribute.  Now that I am damaged, I have to beg to get back some of what I paid in and made to feel as though I am somehow asking for help that I am not entitled to.  This makes me angry and many like me but I fight the anger and try to be patient and I wait and I wait, and I hope that this decision will be made while there is still time to to try to repair some of the damage that all this waiting has done to my health.

Thirty-seven days from today a total stranger will sit in judgement of my situation and my future - I can only hope and pray that this individual will actually read the facts, actually truly know what is going on with me and will understand.......enough to allow me to receive some of the benefits that I have already paid for, so that I can try to piece the me, that I used to be, back together.......in some way.  I am so very thankful for this opportunity but I proceed cautiously because I cannot afford to get my hopes up again - each denial, each disappointment takes way too much out of what is left of me and that is just not fair to my family because they walk this walk with me, even though this is not what they signed up for.  So, we will count down the days with guarded hopeful anticipation and continue to travel this road and have faith for better days ahead.

Downwardly Mobile.......

Well as times goes on, we continue our path to being more and more downwardly mobile.  I guess that is a term that will mark this time period in history and we will all become too familiar with what the meaning is.
We all probably know someone who has been hit by this economic down turn and that is putting it mildly.

But what about the people you know who have the added stress of health issues and add to that the great health insurance dilemma.......then you have a snowball that becomes an avalanche.

It does not happen over night......usually it creeps in, one step at a time and then one day you look back and realize that you can't remember what one thing really started the decent and you know you may never be able to stop the fall.  You wonder if you should just roll on down and stop fighting the pull, the force that keeps you moving until you hit that hard rock bottom.  But.....would it be easier to let go - it is hard work to fight gravity...almost impossible but you continue anyway because that is your only choice.  It is not just about you and for your family, you continue each day two steps forward, three backwards and all the while, you keep hoping that one day you will wake up and the illusive disability money you have been fighting for will show up, your insurance will pay for your necessary and needed medications, tests, etc.  Things will not be quite so hard - you don't expect perfection or anything close to it - just not quite so hard.  But, you are ever so aware that you are very blessed - you still have a roof over your head, food to eat and loved ones.  While you are in danger of loosing those things - for today, they are still yours and there is still hope that you may begin a short climb back up - maybe you won't hit bottom - maybe you will just end up in a different place.  That is not always bad - just different.

Now you are just thankful to have some connection with others, some sort of phone, possibly an internet connection, cable television - those are all things that will go soon if your situation does not head in a different direction and you know that the lack of communication and exercise for your brain will make your health situation worse - the fear of the long hours without these distractions is scary - but still it could be so much worse and you know that.  You know in your heart that those are actually luxury items and just because one of you is working, that does not mean you can afford those things - life is hard and you have hit a rough spot.

It is funny - I thought of this blog entry while I was dealing with trying to change or get out of a cell phone contract that we had and could no longer afford.  With so much job loss, I know there are others who are where we are and I wonder how we will continue to afford these essentials that we have become used to.  Maybe we will have to make choices - I already know that of the three, I would choose Internet access without a doubt.  My 14 year old tells me the same.  While a phone is wonderful for keeping track of our loved ones, I have never been a real phone junkie - maybe when I was 14 but not for a very long time.  But - the Internet can give you entertainment, news, information, ways to do all that you can to protect your health, email to keep up with those loved ones.  For me it is a no brainer, but everyone in this situation will have to make this decision for themselves.  I know that if I were still able to work, my choice would still be the same because when I worked, I was online all day with my work.

Yes - the convenience of all of the other wonderful gadgets is so nice but not necessary and we will survive as best we can.  We will all learn to make a way in this new world that we find ourselves in and move forward in a different new way - not necessarily a bad way, but a different way.  Could be we will find other ways to make up for what we have lost.  I have to believe we will.